


Love is Not a Victory March

by spacemetaphor



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Old man smut, Recovery, Two old guys in love, after chapter 49, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 06:52:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2763746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemetaphor/pseuds/spacemetaphor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi remembers thinking of him as a god. But gods and kings and art are all the same, and are all to be loved from a distance. They fall, and leave a passing imprint on the dirt. Gods fall too, but Erwin Smith was never a god.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is Not a Victory March

Levi remembered thinking of Erwin like a marble statue. Like something from a book, a golden-haired god, framed and crowned in sacrifices. Levi gave his heart for him, and watched others do the same. As time passed, Levi learned that he would willingly die, not only for humanity, but for Erwin Smith. But gods and kings and art are all the same, and are all to be loved from a distance. A statue will not kiss you back, and it's flesh will remain cold and hard beneath your caresses. 

Levi remembers thinking of him as a god. But gods fall too. Everything falls, and leaves a passing imprint on the dirt. But how gods fall, fast and hard and bringing worlds with them, was unimportant. Erwin Smith was never a god.

When they brought him in he was as pale as the white wing on the back of his jacket. Levi watched them lay him down, and the terror he felt was startling. The red pouring down Erwin's right side, staining his flesh and the battered stump of his arm was so shocking, so utterly out of place and so wrong compared to the Erwin in Levi's mind. The one standing on a pedestal, who sent pieces to die, but who would always emerge standing himself at the end of the fray.

Levi is somehow trapped in place, now, an immovable object, watching while blurred figures orbit around him. There are, noises, words, shouting. A nurse is seated beside Erwin's hospital bed, tearing away the hasty, makeshift bandage. When she touches a rag, dampened with warm water, against the torn remnants beneath Erwin's shoulder, Levi hears his groan, sees the cloudy blue of his eyes shrouded in more pain than Levi ever thought Erwin should be capable of feeling. 

"Move," he tells her; his tongue feels heavy, a burden to move. "Let me, you're hurting him." The world keeps spinning around him, the nurses, the doctors, the soldiers, and a swarm of misconceptions and idolizing thoughts swirling down into lies. 

`"Stop!" His voice is raised now, and he's barely aware of his hand curling around the nurse's arm. She's staring at him. Her eyes are large and wide and very brown. Levi makes a conscious effort to lower his voice. "I'll clean it. He knows me better, so it might be easier for him." Breathe, in out, count to ten, don't lose control. "I can handle it. I've been trained in first aid for the field." He sees her, mouth opening, expression fixing itself in to determination. 

"No," Levi interrupts. "I've got him, so fuck off." He's glaring at her, standing between her and Erwin like a shield. Fear is causing his heart to pound against his ribs until it's reverberating throughout his body. He feels nauseous, but he can't leave. He can't leave when Erwin's bleeding (maybe dying) and all his thoughts and his foolishly constructed ideas of a chess master are crashing down around him and beating against him like a hurricane. He feels so fucking small there. 

When she leaves, the room is so quiet that it's the loudest thing Levi has ever heard. 

"Levi?" Erwin's voice is quieter than the powerful, rich voice Levi is used to, there's blood smeared across his face, a line of it from the corner of his mouth down to his chin. It's the first time Levi's heard Erwin speak so he arrived back inside the wall, barely staying on his horse, helped down by two men with scared faces. Levi was standing there then, as if watching from a distance when he followed them into the hospital area. He hadn't been there to see when it happened. There's nothing worse than complete helplessness, he thinks. 

Levi looks away, dips the rag in the hot water, and wrings it out, because looking at Erwin's face, with all the same features in all the same places, all the familiar, slight lines around his mouth and eyes, but none of the fierce determination that makes him Erwin is disconcerting. It's like looking at an imitation, or a shadow. A ghost.

"Hey, old man," Levi responds. "I'm not there saving your ass on one mission and look what happens."

He wants Erwin to respond in kind, retrace the familiar patterns of their teasing conversations. Instead, Erwin just stares at Levi, his face displaying more weakness and openness than Levi has ever seen on the Commander's face. Right then, though, he wasn't a Commander, or a leader, a great revolutionary leading the people to freedom. He was an injured man, trying to hold the last remnants of himself together after being ripped apart. 

"Hey," he tries again. "You must have looked pretty shitty back there, dragging your injured ass around and probably still yelling orders. You made it back, though," his hands are shaking, now. He's dabbing the blood away from the stump of Erwin's arm, and his vision feels blurry. His eyes are stinging. "You're back, so you can't leave. You can't go, you can't fucking go, Erwin," he's repeating himself, stumbling over the same broken phrase again and again. 

Erwin's hand, his left one (his only one), strokes gently over his cheekbone, before moving back so he can comb his fingers through Levi's hair. 

"Fuck you," Levi tells him, as Erwin's fingers skim his bottom eyelashes, smearing tears across his face. "I'm not letting you goddamn leave."

Erwin curls his fingers, lightly grips Levi's chin, and lets his thumb rest across his bottom lip. 

"You're beautiful," he tells Levi. His voice trembles with the strain of speaking, moving. It's so faint, Levi thinks he must be imagining it. "You're so beautiful, Levi." 

He passes out not long after, while Levi is still unmoving in stunned silence after his words, the rise and fall of his chest barely noticeable. Levi sits, silent. He thinks of Mike, Nanaba, everyone who's died under his command, the pile of bloody badges stored in a desk drawer. The grief of their lives, reluctant heroes who died too soon, presses down inside him and around him. He wishes he could weep for them, but there's not enough left of him for that.

He finished wrapping the stump of Erwin's arm, comforted by the clean white cloth hiding the torn flesh and bone. Levi falls asleep not too long after, still seated, folded in on himself like a child's toy.

...

In the days that follow, Erwin improves, step by step, and Levi follows. A little bit of color comes back to his face, and gradually, he is able to sit up, propped forward with pillows. For all the improvements, though, there are hardships. 

"I can't feed myself," Erwin confesses to Levi. He's holding a bowl of soup in his left hand. The spoon sits helplessly inside. His hair is disheveled, the front brushing against his eyelashes and catching in them when he blinks. Rough stubble grows along his face and throat. "I can't even do this, Levi."

The Commander of the Survey Corps, who can't hold a spoon.

Levi takes the bowl from him, and scoops up a bit of food with the utensil. Erwin's eyes are downcast, his remaining hand, empty now, twists in the sheets. He's humiliated, here, and so vulnerable. 

"Erwin," Levi says. He sets the spoon back, considers the right words to give to a man who has been brought so low. He won't sugarcoat the truth, or offer him empty comforts. Truth is what Levi is good at. "I know it's not a good situation, it's shit, honestly, and you're never going to be able to do things the same as before. That's alright, though. You gave the call to protect Eren, and you succeeded, even though you paid for it. Stop regretting it, because it already happened, and nothing's going to change that. Do you think you made the wrong choice, back there?"

Erwin's gazing at a point on the wall, now, somewhere over Levi's head. 

"No. I did what I could to protect humanity." He's said the words before, and they sound like echoes when he repeats them now.

Levi picks up the spoon, and Erwin obediantly opens his mouth, lets Levi feed him.

"That's that, then. So stop feeling guilty for not being able to do everything." Levi's words are feeble to his own ears. Wasn't that what he was expecting? For Erwin to do everything, to be everything? To be unbreakable? "No one looks down on the wounded, Erwin, so don't look down on yourself."

Later, Levi helps him shave. He's careful with the blade, brushes it gently across Erwin's throat, guiding each stroke precisely so as not to break skin. So many years ago, he remembers, he held a sword to Erwin's throat, and the man looked up at Levi, and believed in him. Does he still believe, Levi wonders? In the mirror, Erwin's eyes are calm. He tilts his head up, allowing Levi better access to the gentle slope of his neck.

"You're so human," Levi marvels. The words simply slip out of him. 

Erwin smiles at him, and it takes Levi's breath away, steals it from his body like a wind. 

"We're not gods, Levi, none of us," he tells him. Levi nods, and remembers. 

Erwin becomes stronger, more capable. He learns to eat with his left hand, and it's not long before he can button his own shirts, and do a passable job shaving himself. He learns to navigate the world again, and Levi learns about him. All the little details, like the fact that his nose is slightly crooked, and his smile tilts up just a bit more on the left side. He learns what books Erwin likes, history and myths and poetry, and he falls asleep more than once to the sound of Erwin's voice, reading. Erwin tells him, slowly at first, gradually more trusting, that he hates spiders and going to the doctors, and then that he wakes up in the middle of the night, guilty at the deaths that happened under his command (how do you live, Levi asked, with that guilt. I trust them, Erwin replied. I trust that they made their own choice, and died for what they believe in. I trust that they wouldn't have followed me if they didn't think it was worth it. Levi is silent, because he hears himself in those words). He learns that Erwin smiles when he watches Levi practicing with the 3d maneuver gear. Levi gets used to the feeling of lightness he gets when Erwin's face lights up after watching him perform a particularly difficult move. He starts adjusting his routines, flipping and dancing until he's truly flying, so he can watch the sunlight play over Erwin's smile, his white teeth against his pale pink lips. Levi stores it all away, but he tries not to dwell on Erwin's words, the night he called him beautiful. He was so weak then, Levi rationalizes, delirious with blood loss. There's no chance he remembers what he said. There's even less chance that it's true. Levi is not beautiful. He has been angry and vengeful, miserable and blood-soaked, standing with red on his hands and his heart, but he has never once been beautiful. 

It's the middle of the afternoon, and Levi's just finished practicing, when Erwin tells him. Levi's sitting beside the bed, unbuckling the maneuvering gear straps, Erwin is nearby, reading.

"I love you, Levi."

Fingers frozen against one of the buckles, Levi looks up, slowly. Erwin is still staring at the book, and his face might seem casual, except that his eyes aren't moving. They're fixed in place, waiting. Levi reads tension in the lines of his body. He doesn't know what to say.

"Why," he asks finally, and the sound catches in his throat. Levi hates the sense of fragility it gives him.

Erwin looks up, and stares at Levi the way someone might look at a treasure. "You're beautiful," he says simply.

Levi shakes his head, denying. He thinks about Kenny, watching him, as a child, while he cleaned blood out from underneath his nails. Levi thinks of doing the same thing himself, and scrubbing and scrubbing until the only blood was his but he could still see the stains. "Then you don't know me, Erwin. I'm fucked up, I'm sorry, but I'm so fucked up."

Erwin's hand is on his face again, and Levi can't help but lean into it, feeling the texture of the rough calluses against his scalp when Erwin's fingers travel through black strands. His eyes are sad, like he can't believe Levi looks at himself and doesn't see everything Erwin does. 

"You're perfect," he whispers, mouth so close to Levi's ear, that Levi feels his breath and knows the words are only for him and will only ever be for him. "The first time I saw you, I saw you fly, and I knew you were wonderful. The longer I've been around you, Levi, the more I've loved you, and I need to tell you this now, because it's been buried too long."

Levi pulls back. The area of his cheek where Erwin's hand had caressed him burns with emptiness, but there's panic building inside him, dread that all the time when he had been seeing an Erwin that didn't exist, Erwin had been seeing a false Levi.

"Don't." He's shaking. The words are shaking, the world is shaking. "Don't try to fix me, Erwin, you can't."

Erwin's still looking at Levi like he's an entire galaxy, the whole universe, and he smiles like he knows, he understands Levi's faults and his scars and he loves him anyway. Levi thinks about Erwin's empty sleeve, and then guilt he's confessed to, the weakness he has, and how perfect he still is, about how all the rough and ugly edges of him make someone beautiful.

"You don't need to be fixed," Erwin says.

When Levi kisses him, it feels inevitable. They're moving against each other like it was meant to be. Erwin reaches up and tilts Levi's head just so, so that they're lips can press closer together, and when they pull slightly back, their foreheads rest against each other and their breath mingles until they fall back together. Levi grips Erwin's shoulder, his hair, and he's suddenly so desperate for something he thought he could never have. 

"Erwin," he's saying, but he doesn't have time to be embarrassed, and then they're together again, and Erwin's tongue explores Levi's mouth, discovering every secret. It's not long until they're together on the bed, and Levi is straddling Erwin's lap, pulling on blonde strands of hair as Erwin somehow manages to maneuver the buttons of Levi's shirt open, and pulls it off his shoulders. Levi returns the favor, pausing in his pursuit of Erwin's lips and tongue to mouth trails along Erwin's shoulders and neck. Erwin leans his head back, moans as his hand slips down, stopping to caress the small of Levi's back before he grips his ass firmly. Levi leans his head against Erwin's shoulder and breathes out, nipping lightly at Erwin's collarbone. It's almost too much. It's everything he never dared to let himself think about and so much more. He lets himself grind forward against Erwin and feels the matching hardness, knows he wants this too, so it's okay, maybe, to let himself go. He's surging forward, and kissing Erwin again, and when he feels the man suck lightly on his bottom lip something inside him feels so complete and ecstatic, but it still wants so much more, Levi wants to be closer to Erwin, this person who saved him and who Levi saved in turn. He undoes the button on Erwin's pants, and pulls his cock out of his underwear, rubbing his thumb across the slit to earn a deep moan from the Commander. 

When his tongue first laps against Erwin's shaft to taste it, Erwin throws his head back, eyes wide, and his hand moves up again to fist in Levi's hair and tug at it in time with Levi's growingly enthusiastic strokes. He groans, load and heady, when Levi fixes his mouth around Erwin's cock and sucks. Levi swirls his tongue around experimentally, tasting Erwin's precome as he pushes back into Erwin's shallow, gentle thrusts. He pulls away when he begins to feel Erwin's fingers tremble erratically, as he gets close to the edge. 

There's a glaze of pleasure over Erwin's eyes as he reaches forward to wipe a string of his own precome away from Levi's lips. He kisses the corner of Levi's mouth there, and works his way down his neck and chest with soft kisses. Levi lays back and lets himself float there in a haze of contentment and anticipation as Erwin hooks a finger in the waistband of Levi's pants and eases them down his hips and thighs. When he has Levi completely naked and sprawled out before him he sits back on his knees and drinks the sight in. Levi shifts slightly, he feels like he should be more ashamed of being so bare and exposed in front of Erwin, but Erwin's in front of him, equally naked, and Levi thinks that maybe there's no shame in letting himself be know. 

"You're so wonderful." Erwin's voice is almost reverent. "You're gorgeous, Levi."

Face heating up, Levi squirms under Erwin's gaze.

"Will, you get on with it already?" Erwin smiles at the neediness and desperation in his voice, and leans down to press a kiss to Levi's inner thigh. 

"I have a bit of oil in my drawers," Erwin says. He reaches over, pulling back from Levi long enough to open the top drawer of his nightstand and pull a small bottle out.

Levi tries to frown at him. 

"Where you expecting this, you conniving bastard?"

"No," Erwin admits, "I use it sometime, when I..." he trails off, his face red. "I did hope that someday, though, maybe-"

Levi kisses him again.

"If you keep talking instead of hurrying up and fucking me, you'll still be using it on yourself," he threatens, still leaning so close that their noses are brushing against each other. Erwin takes advantage of that, and touches his lips quickly to the tip of Levi's nose. 

"What the fuck," Levi is still spluttering, when Erwin pushes him backwards and hoists his legs onto his shoulders. Even with one arm, he's incredibly strong, his body built up heavy and powerful from his career as a soldier. He manages himself with a surprising amount of grace for someone so recently injured.  
The oil, cap, however, is too much for him, so Levi takes it from him and removes the lid. He reaches for Erwin's hand, and coats his fingers with the slick liquid, before laying back down and waiting.   
Erwin traces his finger around Levi's hole, watching his face intently, before slipping the finger slowly inside. Grimacing slightly, Levi shifts around a bit uncomfortable as Erwin moves his finger in and out before sliding in a second finger. 

"This feels like taking a backward shit," Levi complains.

"It will get better," Erwin promises. He frowns, slightly. "Have you never done this before, Levi?" He removes his fingers, and strokes Levi's cock, coaxing embarrassing sounds out of Levi.

"I'm not some fucking blushing virgin, asshole," Levi protests. He looks away, and confesses, "I've never done it like this before, with someone else inside me."

Erwin gives Levi's weeping cock one last stroke before slipping his wet fingers back inside Levi.

"That's okay. We'll go slowly, then." He seems aware of Levi's worry, though, concern that his inexperience will betray him. "You're doing well," he murmurs, leaning forward enough that he can nip the shell of Levi's ear. At the same time he crooks his fingers, hitting something inside him that causes the younger man to almost scream, eyes going wide with pleasure. 

"Holy shit," Levi mutters, "Holy fucking shit, yes, that's good."

Levi smirks, pulls out only to return with three fingers, and tortures that spot tracing around it and pressing against it until Levi is writhing, fingers twisting in sheets and sweat pooling in the hollows of his collarbones.

"Please," Levi whispers finally, "Please just fuck me."

Erwin twists his fingers one last time, drawing a high keening sound from Levi. His mouth rests against the side of Levi's neck. "That's what I want to hear," he says. 

He pulls his fingers out, and balances over Levi with his hand pressed into the mattress next to Levi's head. Levi brushes his fingers against Erwin's briefly, reassurance that he's ready. When the tip of Erwin's cock enters him, Levi gasps, bringing one hand up to cover his mouth to suppress the noises begging to spill out of him. Erwin pushes in slowly, until he's all the way inside. Levi curls his fingers, pressing his knuckles between his teeth in an effort to hide the desire to cry out as he feels Erwin's balls brush against his ass. 

Erwin stills, his cock fully inside Levi's ass, filling him to the breaking point. Levi's desperate, rutting against Erwin frantically to find the friction he so desperately needs. 

"I want to hear you," Erwin tells him. "I don't want you to hide from me." 

Levi's trembling as he pulls his hand away from his mouth and twists it in the sheets. He's barely settled when Erwin pulls back and thrusts into him fiercely. Levi can't help but to cry out, pushing back against him. When Erwin finds his prostate he thrusts into it, fucking Levi mercilessly until he's clawing at the sheets and practically screaming. He feels close, lust and want coiling inside him, precome dripping onto his stomach. He can see Erwin's cock disappearing inside him, connecting them. But Erwin's slowing down, even as Levi feels himself building up to climax.

Erwin's arm is shaking, Levi notices, as sweat drips down the Commander face and forms beads across his hairline. 

"It's difficult to balance," Erwin explains, breathless and apologetic. He looks stricken. "I can't...I'm sorry, Levi, I can barely even make love to you like this."

Levi lets himself separate from Erwin. He sits up, feeling horribly empty without Erwin inside him to fill him up. He wraps his arms around Erwin's shoulders and kisses him, long and deep and hard.

"Let me ride you," he demands. "Fuck, I don't care if you think you're not good enough, you've always been enough for me, and you always will be." 

He pushes Erwin back, and lets him settle on his back against the pillows. They take a second, Erwin stroking Levi's hair before Levi grips Erwin's cock and lines himself up. When Levi sinks down around him, moaning and throwing his head back, Erwin trails his fingers around Levi's shoulders and down his abdomen so he can wrap his hand around Levi's cock. Levi hisses in pleasure as he starts to roll his hips, circling and thrusting until Erwin's cock finds his prostate. 

"Fuck," he groans, "Oh god, Erwin, that's good, fuck!"

Erwin moans, stroking Levi faster as he feels himself inside of him. Levi leans forward and they're kissing again, as they moan together at the change in position. Levi rides Erwin faster, bouncing up and down as Erwin fucks back up into him, thrusting his hips upwards to drive Levi over the edge. He feels Levi tensing, his ass tightening around his cock as he approaches orgasm.

"Erwin," he's screaming his name, bracing his hand against the scarred expanse of Erwin's chest. "God Erwin I'm so close!"

"Me too, Levi," Erwin tells him, voice barely recognizable through the breathless rush of fucking. "You're so good, Levi, you're so good for me." He gives Levi one last stroke, and Levi's baring his throat and crying out as he comes across Erwin's chest. Erwin comes not long after, his seed spilling into Levi's ass and dripping down his thighs as Erwin pulls out. Levi collapses against him, boneless and breathless. They breath together, Erwin massaging the relaxing lines of Levi's back. 

"You're amazing," he whispers, as Levi rests his head against Erwin's chest, lazily stroking the sensitive spots along his ribs.   
"You, too," Levi tells him. 'Not bad for a disabled old man," and then he kisses him once more to apologize. 

...

They wake up the next morning, tangled in their sheets and tangled in each other. Levi curls his fingers around Erwin's, and marvels at how his smaller ones fit so perfectly in the spaces between Erwin's larger ones. 

"I love you," he tells Erwin. "I love you so much."

"I know," Erwin replies. "Always."

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written in a really long time, the first fic I've written for this fandom, and the first fic I've written on this website. I'm pretty rusty, so I hope this was okay. This was also the first smut I've ever written, so that was an interesting new experience. Anyway, if you enjoyed that, or you have comments, compliments, or criticism you want to leave, I would appreciate a review! Also, I just got a tumblr, like, three days ago, so if you want to check that out it's http://commandershit.tumblr.com/.


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